I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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