Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
being pregnant is like rehab
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
