Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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