He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
