I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
