Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
