i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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