I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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