Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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