I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
