Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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