I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
