you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
