I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
