the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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