I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
