My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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