we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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