Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
