My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
