U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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