I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
