I want to walk on stilts...naked
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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