i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
