All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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