I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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