i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
