dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
