My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
