Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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