I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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