she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
