she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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