Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
