It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
