Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
