please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
