The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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