just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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