stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
