When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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