The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
