In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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