the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
