What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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