I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
