By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
