new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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