Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
