I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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