What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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