apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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