I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
