i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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