Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
