I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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