A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
