Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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