i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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