Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
