he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
